Creature Comforts

There are many things in this world beyond our control, but somehow most people tend to be able to cope.
Everyone has their own thing(s) that put them at ease, whether it be a thought, or maybe a physical item.

At a younger age I used video games to calm myself, when the world at large just felt too overwhelming.
My world, at least back then, wasn't too stressful. After all I was a kid and really didn't have much reason.
Over the past few years, as I grow older, things have started to become more and more uncomfortable to me.

Perhaps it's just what happens as one starts to age and the veil of adolescence finally starts to wear off.
All I know is that I'm feeling increasingly stressed the older I get. Time really does fly when you're a certain age.
Optimism has never been my strong suit, but I feel the older I get the more I need to try and harness or use it.
Lately I've been thinking more about my future, but even more so about the past, when I was much happier.
At my age I guess that's just the natural trajectory of the mental gearing. Thinking back to brighter days.

In my mid-20s I used movies, specifically Me, Myself & Irene as well as Clerks 2 to calm myself through stressful days. There is one scene in Me, Myself & Irene where Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger are walking down a country road, which reminds me very much of the country road I grew up on. I guess something about that road unlocks something in my mind and transports me back to being a kid. Back then all I had to do was wake up, hop on my bike and be back home before dark, but even so my childhood years aren't the best years of my life.

When it comes to Clerks 2, I feel it has a bit more to do with the fear of growing up. The fear of what changes growing up not only offers but sometimes even mandates. No matter how young we are in our own minds, we're slowly but surely leaving behind the comforts of our younger selves. In many ways that's good, but there always seems to be that nagging feeling that you're going down the wrong path and you long to stop being a grownup and return to the simpler times. Clerks 2 came about in my life at the perfect time, where I felt I could connect with the characters and feel their strife. This is about when my life started to actually mean something.

These days I'm finding it harder and harder to find anything that helps me settle down. I had it, I had someone who could calm me down quicker than anything else ever could, but she was lost along life's separation path a few years ago. I've tried the old movies, I've tried new movies, I've tried music, I've tried building guitar pedals, I've tried video games, but something is still missing. A large part of me, who I feel I should be, who I should be with and where I feel I should be are now just missing pieces, leaving even more doubt and anxiety. These were the definitive years of my life, these were the best years of my life. I love that time in my life, it's a massive part of me. I deeply miss that part of me. I just hope, wherever she is now, she knows that and will always remember that.

"You're here with me, it's going to be ok." - My Missing Piece