Everyone ages. It's a sad reality that sometimes sets in far too late for most of us to do anything about it. Some tend to go through what is called a Midlife Crisis, and to combat their internal struggle they compensate by making major changes in their lives. Whether it be a change in location, shift in life direction, or making a large purchase they would have otherwise never dared, most tend to go big with their life-altering outburst. As we age, most of us, tend to mature and grow. I've found myself looking back wondering where all those years have gone, sadly only to realize just that - those years are gone.
When I turned forty I realized I've been so wrapped up in being me, that I never took the time to get to know myself. While I understand what foods, music, movies, video games, hobbies, etc. that I enjoy, I never really got to meet myself and explore the depths of who I am as a person. Even though many people say forty is the new twenty, there's simply no telling how true that might be. So while I would love to purchase a genuine 1959 Gibson Les Paul, a Marshall stack and parade myself around doing Blues gigs at everyone's backyard party, I can't. That doesn't mean I can't do something for myself though.
Almost ten years ago I thought I was getting married. Although no date was set, the question was asked, the promise was made and dream was living in my consciousness every single day. As I truly believed this was happening I wanted to be the best possible me for her sake, so I tasked myself with reaching out to my ex-girlfriends and asking them what it was I did right, what I did wrong, and why they cared about me. This might sound like asking for trouble, but the answers I received back were quite comforting, and oddly enough they were mostly the same. I realized why someone could love me, what I did right, but also I now knew what I needed to change to be a better me for the woman who I truly hoped would forever be by my side.
Sadly, that choice wasn't up to me, and eventually that dream faded in her mind. I thought I was crushed then, but the process of aging never ceases. As the hopes and dreams continued to live in my head, I had to remind myself that just isn't happening. I'm getting older. I'm losing time. By now I thought all my dreams would have come true, and it would be nothing but happiness. Every day I am acutely aware that my existence is temporary, and I'm nowhere near where I want to be. So again I tasked myself with asking many of my friends who I was when they knew me.
I asked friends I hadn't spoken to in years. I tried to seek out as many as I possible could and asked them: "Who was I when you knew me?". Again I found many of the answers quite comforting, and many answered almost entirely the same. So as I face life each day, I realize one of two things. Either people are completely full of shit, or maybe, just maybe, there is a chance I am a special person to many people around me. The cynical side of me wants to believe people are merely answering in their best interests, saying what they think I want to hear. The other side of me doesn't believe people I've not spoken two in years would even bother to make up such lies, let alone say nearly identical things and express to me some of their favorite memories of us together.
I never knew what my legacy would be, but now, as I face the unknown, I realize I've made truly deep connections with people. I've fostered events throughout my life that have yielded life-long, positive memories for others. Deep down I feel all anyone truly wants is to be remembered. To know that we've done something good with our lives, and made things a bit more positive in our absence. In more recent times I thought perhaps my guitar pedal circuits would serve as a bit of a legacy, but my connections with the people around me are far more important. Again, I would love to own a 59 Les Paul and play every backyard party and blues festival that requires my services, but I can pretend to do that. I could never pretend to have truly made long lasting connections with the people around me. That had to happen for real, and apparently it has.
So maybe if you're feeling confused by life and all the constant shifts against what you feel is your best interests, or best attempts to right the ship, try this. Reach out to people you've not spoken to in years. Ask them who you were when they knew you. Express your favorite memories together and listen to theirs. Maybe even apologize to someone you've wronged and feel guilty about what you've done. Because just like I was promised we would be married by now, nothing would ever tear us apart; nothing is assured. Life has a funny way of making us feel like a singular speck of dust in a universe of dirt. If you ask, I'm sure you've made an indelible mark on someone's life somewhere. Listen, you do you, but it's worth a try.
"Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together." - Red Green
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