My Review of Christmas Twister

I'm always looking for a good tornado movie or documentary. Ideally I want to find the documentary from about 20 years ago where they interviewed a gentlemen who said "They say tornadoes sound like trains, but I didn't hear a woowoo or nothin'!". I can't find that documentary anywhere. If you know what I'm talking about, let me know! Apart from the tons of really good tornado documentaries made by youtubers, I also like to watch tornado movies. Ranging from pretty decent to who let their 4 year old cousin try to create this CGI? Christmas Twister, or as they themselves allowed the title card to say Christams Twister, is firmly in the latter of that scale.

The genuine title card, as seen on Tubi

Let me start this off by saying I believe all of the actors and actresses did an adequate job. I believe they all did well, it's just they weren't given the best material to work with. This movie is super cheesy, but I don't blame any of the actors, or even the extras. They did what they could with what they were given. That being said, the beginning tells us that we're in Texas, and it's a few days before Christmas, or Christams, never trust a movie that can't even spell its own title right. We start at a small, out of the way gas station and diner, where a tornado unexpectedly decided to bother some folks just trying to go about their lives. The news of this tornado rouses a meteorologist who has to go to his office to track the storm. Once he's at work, at 4am, his sole colleague notices a hook echo on radar. This hook echo freely roams Texas without doing any harm, like an Armadillo searching for love, for about 5 hours before touching down again.

The poor CGI tornado touches down directly beside some poor guy who A) bought a Ford Ranger and therefore it stops working randomly, the one rare bit of reality this movie offers, and B) has absolutely no clue what the tornado is until it's right on top of him. I understand Texas is huge, and most Texans have never seen a tornado, but the way this movie portrays them as complete buffoons with no clue whatsoever what the giant sky penis dragging across the landscape is just blows my mind. Again, shit CGI. Another issue is the color filter used to try and hide the fact these scenes were all filmed on perfectly sunny days. It's horrible, and so is the CGI. Have I talked about how bad the CGI is?

Anyway, there is a lot of needless tension between the meteorologist and his wife, and they have kids and a dog. Why did I mention they had a dog? The dog subplot, of course! As this tornado is roaming Texas freely and touching down wherever it pleases, the family dog escapes the house, when it too is hit by the tornado, and the dog goes on a journey of its own. Why? Dogs = Cute to counter balance ugly CG tornado? I don't know. So the dog is out roaming the Texas landscape as the meteorologist is trying to collect his family to get them to safety. While he's racing around, in perfectly sunny skies, the singular supercell that keeps producing these poorly CG'd tornadoes is about 12 hours old now. That checks out with reality. Oh, but it gets better. MUCH better. Because the latest spawn is a.... a.... a.... *gasp* F6!!!!!!!!!!!! While editing this film they should have Alt F4'd if you ask me. This film, depending on where you find it, is either 2012 or 2016, take your pick, so to say F6 is stupid, they should have said EF6, but even that would have been stupid!

There have been very few cases where an F6/EF6 were debating, but ultimately considered inconceivable. Cue Wallace Shawn! Actually, if they had Wallace Shawn pop in just once to say that line when they said it was an F6, this movie would get at least a thumbs up from me, not the two middle fingers up I'm giving it now. This is just a brief overview of all the stupidity this movie offers. Again, I stand behind all the actors and actresses in this movie. I truly believe they did their best with what they were given, but never, and I mean NEVER trust film that can't spell its own title right! In the end the meteorologist and his family are reunited, having a barbecue in their back yard on Christmas. The parents have made up and are just about to get freaky right in front of their kids when the dog comes waltzing through the fence. Merry Christmas!

Once the happy ending starts to fade and the credits start rolling nothing further is discussed. No death toll, no damage path, no discussion on how one singular cell could live for over 12 hours. It was just we're alive, fuck everyone else. The End. I've watched some really horrible films, I've watched some really horrible tornado films, but nothing takes the cake like Christmas Twister does. Oh yeah, did I mention they used real footage of Joplin's EF5 damage as tornado damage for this movie? Good job, you sick bastards! Who thought that was a good idea? Couldn't you CG it like you did everything else?